In a recent post I asked if lying to ourselves was a sin. After making that post, I heard a peer coach, Michelle, talk about how she finally got out of her 41 year abusive relationship. What's interesting, is this wasn't someone abusing her. She was abusing herself.
WOW - her statement really got me thinking about the years and years I was in a self-abusive relationship; however, that's not what I called it. I really don't know what I called it, because, I didn't realize talking down to myself was abusive. I thought it was my way of chastising myself for messing up. Or, maybe it was my way of shaming myself for saying the wrong thing, eating the wrong foods, being late or yelling at my children or my spouse. And, I thought by talking that way, I was being a good parent to myself and hopefully wouldn't do it again. Sadly, it didn't work. It only made me feel worse and wonder if I could ever be good enough, smart enough or loving enough.
Do you know what was really going on? Satan was having a fun time discouraging me and making me feel "less than." And, I bought into it. After 11 years of being bullied as the fat girl and another 40 years of abusing myself with negative head talk, it was time to take control and let God, instead of satan, speak to me!
A song comes to mind by Lou Christie, "Two Faces Have I." It has to do with a former girlfriend not going to see his sad face. How many of us can say we have two faces? We have one face for others and another face we keep to ourself. We have the happy face and the sad face (which is hidden in our heart and mind.)
Oh, I was putting on the right face at worship service, around my friends, out in public, etc. However, in my head, I had another face and it was not pretty. It was telling me there was no way God could love someone like me. It was telling me there is no way I could be God's Masterpiece - Ephesians 2:10. I asked how could I possibly have anything to offer the world when I was stupid; after all, my teachers told me that and I had a lousy score on my ACT, so they must be right. WOW - so many years of believing those lies!
And, even though I know God loved me enough to send His Son to die for me, John 3:16; I was still believing the lies I was telling myself, causing me to doubt God's love. It took someone asking me questions to snap my brain into realizing what I was doing to myself - what I now call a self-abusive relationship!
What about you? Are you in a self-abusive relationship? Do you have two faces? One for the world and one hidden deep inside telling you lies? I'd be honored for you to share your thoughts.
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